Why is it so dark, it's the middle of the day? The house is freezing. Half my plants are dead. Bills outnumber Christmas cards by a factor of 10. Junk mail outnumbers bills by a factor of 100.

The car won't start. I trudge to the supermarket for some essentials: Cheddar, Stilton, that sort of thing. And some seasonal booze. Nobody smiles, nobody even looks at me. Was I ever away?

I do some washing and the kitchen floods with brown sludge. Jesus, this is worse than Cambodia.